Loneliness

So, tonight's date is rescheduled, which initially felt like a relief. But after the immediate, "Whew!" I just felt lonely. I don't know if it's the consumate "looking" and not finding; the regular conversations with friends explaining why I started a project whose genesis is to be found in a committment to maintain the belief that "my people" are out there, and if I look really hard (and ask friends to help me with the search) I'll find people who are queer, close to my age, and have a conscious relationship with identity politics; or if it's simply devoting 30 consecutive days to responding to the reality that I don't have a crew of what feels like "my people" here. But, I've felt more lonely lately than I usually do.

I mean, a PhD is a harrowing experience if you aren't good with spending long stretches of time alone. But, I have great friends, and I go out all the time. This project is leaving me feeling much more alone, because I'm trying hard to find people and coming up with next to nothing. Or, maybe time with friends suddenly "doesn't count", because in my mind when I'm spending time with friends this months I should be on a date "if things were going well."

I'm curious to see what else this project will bring up for me. Today, it's lonliness.

2 dates tomorrow. (Meh.)

Oddly

I have my "first" date tonight. Although I've spent time with other women, this is the first person that I've felt physically attracted to. So, I'm going to call this D1. It's odd though; as I sit here grading papers, which feels SO innane that it would normally leave me looking forward to going to grab a drink afterwork, I'm not looking forward to tonight.

I've gone out with friends almost every night for the last four or five nights, and I've looked forward to it. I think I like the not knowing, kindof anxious space of not knowing whether someone is interested in going out with me; like the greyhound who's ruined for the rest of their career if they ever catch the rabbit. I don't chase women, I don't like the coy games of yes/no getaway/come closer; but, I do enjoy the thrill and exhilleration of not knowing.

She did offer to pay in her last e-mail. And, I do like that!

Recalibration

Ok- so after joining a couple of community groups and an online site, the pickins are slim! The project starts tomorrow, and I'm having a hard time finding women that I think are attractive. "30 dates in 30 days is easy if you just lower your standards,' I've said to multiple friends, but the challenge is to find people that I actually want to spend time with and get to know better, rather than meeting a numerical target. So, after an awkward "do I/don't I" with someone that I'm not at all attracted to, it seems to make sense to recalibrate this project.

Attractive and intelligent lesbians in a rustbelt city; it seems reasonable enough.

Keeping in mind my actual goal of meeting people that I like, rather than collecting stories of awkward moments, I'm going to approach this as 3 dates/week for the next month. It sounds much more reasonable. It means that I won't need to drive for two hours to meet women in order to hit my quota. And, most importantly, it's STILL gonna be quite a challenge to hit that mark.

2 dates set up for next week.

Here we go!

OH LAWD JEZUS!!!!!

So, I have date 1 set up. I joined a local singles group this morning and chatted with this woman online, and she was smart and funny. So I asked her out for a coffee date. She only had one of those cartoon avatars up wasn't totally my type, but what can you really tell from an avatar?

I'll tell you what you can tell from an avatar: how a person would like other people to view them! That's what you can tell, and that's about all.

Suddenly it all come flooding back to me: meeting people online. Old and outdated profile pics, lots of chatting, both online and on the phone, that leads to meeting up somewhere only to realize that within 5 minutes that if you'd met them at a party you would have never invested so much time.

I guess the skill aquisition is in the asking and the persistence to keep on trying; holding firm to the expectation that I'm only 30 days away from knowing 3-4 women that I really feel like I connect with. I don't want a girlfriend right now, just some lesbians that I click with. It's been a few years since I feel like I've had that. So, I guess this project is about developing the skills to go after it, even when it's illusory, because it's important to me.

But, to be honest, right now I feel like Danielson detailing Mr. Miagi's car. Wax on, wax off. How the fuck is this going to get be a Cobra Kai victory!?!?

Step One!

Ok- I've put up some online posts (well, CL and a local singles group), but even doing that took far longer than it needed to. Everyone has seen CL. It's hard to say that I expect much from there, but then I feel like I'm not fully committed to meeting people if I leave this stone unturned.

As much as I expect to find grubs and some things I'd rather not touch, I'm going to think of this as being committed to trying, and overcoming my reservations about the bleakness of this city's prospects. I sent out a text to 15 or 20 people telling them I was doing the project, and the only responses I got were some variant of "You're the only (single) lesbian I know." And then I thought about it, *I* only know one other single lesbian right now, and she wants to do this project with me!

SMH

I did get asked out on a date by a married woman, a gay friend, and a couple of straight female friends who were trying to be supportive. If only this were a game of horseshoes.

Next step, join the community organizations. (The only one that exists here is for "Aging Lesbians". But, I've been invited to join more than once. Ouch!)

Online Personals

I just got back in town from NYC this past weekend, and coming from a city where there are lots of beautiful women all around me everywhere I go to a much smaller city with a much smaller dating pool has made me realize just how big of a challenge this is going to be. I can tell already that my ego may be a bit bruised from nothing other than the dating constraints.

I went out Saturday, and didn't even take my phone since I had no intention of meeting people. As luck would have it, we ended up in a club that was having an off night, and I still met three different women who texted me so that we could get together before I left town.

It's Monday morning, and I'm back home and ready to get started for this project next week. I just looked through the online personals, and didn't see a single person that I wanted to contact. So, I'm mustering up the gumption (self-delusion) to create profiles with the expectation that there are lots of women (just like me) who are out there, but don't have online profiles.

Maybe it's a good time to catch all the new grad students and queer faculty who are moving to the city? I think I just found the central substance of my self-delusion!!

Introductions

It seemed like a good idea to introduce the gang, so here we are!

Vey

I'm short, but I'm smart. I'm funny, but I'm cute! That was the tagline for the first online profile I ever posted; so I guess that's me in ten words or less. I am a lover of dry wit, and I am immediately enamored with someone who can turn a phrase. I guess I'm a just a simple ol' sapiosexual that abhors pretense.

The project seemed like a fun way to meet lots of people, and learn about new things to do while I'm in town for the next few years. It feels both fun and easy, and completely impossible to do at the same time. 30 dates feels pretty easy, but 30 dates with people that I want to go out with (WHEW!) now that really feels like pushing it into the realm of absurdity! So, I hope that this project helps me to notice more of what I want and act on it, rather than waiting and hoping for other people to act on my behalf in my own self-interest.

Let's see what happens!