Loneliness

So, tonight's date is rescheduled, which initially felt like a relief. But after the immediate, "Whew!" I just felt lonely. I don't know if it's the consumate "looking" and not finding; the regular conversations with friends explaining why I started a project whose genesis is to be found in a committment to maintain the belief that "my people" are out there, and if I look really hard (and ask friends to help me with the search) I'll find people who are queer, close to my age, and have a conscious relationship with identity politics; or if it's simply devoting 30 consecutive days to responding to the reality that I don't have a crew of what feels like "my people" here. But, I've felt more lonely lately than I usually do.

I mean, a PhD is a harrowing experience if you aren't good with spending long stretches of time alone. But, I have great friends, and I go out all the time. This project is leaving me feeling much more alone, because I'm trying hard to find people and coming up with next to nothing. Or, maybe time with friends suddenly "doesn't count", because in my mind when I'm spending time with friends this months I should be on a date "if things were going well."

I'm curious to see what else this project will bring up for me. Today, it's lonliness.

2 dates tomorrow. (Meh.)

Oddly

I have my "first" date tonight. Although I've spent time with other women, this is the first person that I've felt physically attracted to. So, I'm going to call this D1. It's odd though; as I sit here grading papers, which feels SO innane that it would normally leave me looking forward to going to grab a drink afterwork, I'm not looking forward to tonight.

I've gone out with friends almost every night for the last four or five nights, and I've looked forward to it. I think I like the not knowing, kindof anxious space of not knowing whether someone is interested in going out with me; like the greyhound who's ruined for the rest of their career if they ever catch the rabbit. I don't chase women, I don't like the coy games of yes/no getaway/come closer; but, I do enjoy the thrill and exhilleration of not knowing.

She did offer to pay in her last e-mail. And, I do like that!

Recalibration

Ok- so after joining a couple of community groups and an online site, the pickins are slim! The project starts tomorrow, and I'm having a hard time finding women that I think are attractive. "30 dates in 30 days is easy if you just lower your standards,' I've said to multiple friends, but the challenge is to find people that I actually want to spend time with and get to know better, rather than meeting a numerical target. So, after an awkward "do I/don't I" with someone that I'm not at all attracted to, it seems to make sense to recalibrate this project.

Attractive and intelligent lesbians in a rustbelt city; it seems reasonable enough.

Keeping in mind my actual goal of meeting people that I like, rather than collecting stories of awkward moments, I'm going to approach this as 3 dates/week for the next month. It sounds much more reasonable. It means that I won't need to drive for two hours to meet women in order to hit my quota. And, most importantly, it's STILL gonna be quite a challenge to hit that mark.

2 dates set up for next week.

Here we go!