So, tonight's date is rescheduled, which initially felt like a relief. But after the immediate, "Whew!" I just felt lonely. I don't know if it's the consumate "looking" and not finding; the regular conversations with friends explaining why I started a project whose genesis is to be found in a committment to maintain the belief that "my people" are out there, and if I look really hard (and ask friends to help me with the search) I'll find people who are queer, close to my age, and have a conscious relationship with identity politics; or if it's simply devoting 30 consecutive days to responding to the reality that I don't have a crew of what feels like "my people" here. But, I've felt more lonely lately than I usually do.
I mean, a PhD is a harrowing experience if you aren't good with spending long stretches of time alone. But, I have great friends, and I go out all the time. This project is leaving me feeling much more alone, because I'm trying hard to find people and coming up with next to nothing. Or, maybe time with friends suddenly "doesn't count", because in my mind when I'm spending time with friends this months I should be on a date "if things were going well."
I'm curious to see what else this project will bring up for me. Today, it's lonliness.
2 dates tomorrow. (Meh.)
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